I was pleasantly surprised that my 13 year old son, his friend, my husband and my 10 year old son all wanted to go see the Barbie movie with me. We settled in with our favorite snacks and what occurred on the screen before me tapped into some deep wounds I never knew I needed validating.
I felt somatic sensations of anger rise up during America Ferrera's now famed 'snap out of it Barbie' speeches. Anger because what she was saying is still so true, and one of the most infuriating points the speech made (nod to the writer of the speech) was here:
"You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people." From Gloria's Monologue in the movie Barbie
This hit home for me as I am personally growing my business and walking in shoes I have yet to break in. I also felt that the monologue alluded to how all of this isn't just pressure ON women but pressure women put on one another. As a trauma therapist I understand how these early absorbed messages swim in our subconscious only to come out when the environment calls for it. These judgements, assumptions and expectations we have on one another are impulsive reactions from a subconscious download we all need to wake up. We need to snap out of it like the Barbies did in the movie. Bring the subconscious to the conscious so we have more of a choice before we act. If we can stop the knee-jerk reactions to judge one another we can truly break this vicious cycle.
What I needed validating but didn't know was discovered when talking about the movie with other female business owners during a coaching session. Yes, I need coaching because I am trying so hard to shake my insecurities off and walk into what has always been mine all along. We all can be owners, Barbie taught us that, but we need to do it with both self compassion and through community support. What happened in the processing conversation was what felt like (what I think would feel like) an exorcism.
I started to rant. Rant about how growing up I was told, vaguely, that I could be anything, do anything that a "MAN" can do. What about “you can do what your heart desires and surround yourself with those that also believe in you”? What about that message in place of this odd competition vibe against men? The usual message also alludes to the fact that there aren't many women trying so the other women are your competition.
The rant included this huge awareness of how boys (now men or whatever pronoun they identify as) that I grew up with all had a secret club. A secret club of comfort and knowledge that we ladies did not. They grew up going to college with this same security knowing that in the end they can work for their friend's dad's company or find a mentor through that soccer coach’s connections...and so on. Now, I can already feel the heat from those reading this stating "what about this....or that....not the case for all". Yes, yes, you are all right. I am talking about a sliver of privilege but that same sliver is what leads to the 1% and we all know how that feels to be aware of. So let’s breathe and continue to take this in.
Rant continues.....I realized that as I now know how the nervous system influences success, these boys felt a deep "I got you, no worries" vibe from their community. It's so much easier to try and fail at things when you know a community has your safety net. We women did not have that. We were told to dream big, you can do anything a man does, then we were plopped into our 20’s with high expectations now that the road is supposedly paved, but with no map. No community that even knows how to have one another's back and so on.
I'd also like to tie this into the pre #metoo movement. We didn't even know how to protect one another other than normalizing awful things like date rape or sexual harrassment in the work place. We were, however, just trying to do what men could do so we assumed looking at porn during our lunch hour and laughing together at it was a part of doing what men do. This was making it, and see, we are one of the few women here so take that world! But wait....where ARE the other women?
Rant calms....I am with my business coach, now more of a mentor through the Women's Development Center, explaining this awareness to her. She paused and validated not only my feelings but the reality of this experience as it might be true for many women in our age group. This brings me to the hope. The hope that the generations ahead of me, the ones coming up and fast, hear my voice in this writing. Please, continue to lift each other up. Please, continue to challenge gender norms and bring on more non-binary, bring on more celebrating differences to the point where it's just normal. We are all beautiful souls just trying to find balance, joy and togetherness. So STOP tearing one another down and please pause before you talk and ask yourself where is this suggestion coming from? Pull that subconscious out and be curious about where some of these judgements or competitiveness comes from.
To summarize how I got the validation I didn't realize I needed? I didn't realize how long I had been struggling with these assumptions that I can't do things because being expected to do it all has taken a toll. I am exhausted. I have co-raised two beautiful humans all while balancing running a private practice, sometimes working for an agency so that we can have insurance (this is another blog post entirely), I have tried to keep up with all the standards placed on me but all while feeling a strong lack of female-identifying support.
I didn't realize I needed someone to hear me in my waking up pain and validate that yes, we haven't had the female-identifying club that we have needed all these years when it comes to business. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that I could create a business plan that not only includes projections, missions statements and proof we are staying afloat but to eventually work toward something bigger? So, in my last few sentences I need to bring awareness to the community I never knew was there until now. The community I never realized I needed until after seeing a movie about a world where women support one another without competition. So thank you First Women's Bank and thank you Women's Development Center for being the community I now will thrive in.
Comments